Name changing

[mothwing]

So tell me internets, why is the desire to be called by your name a radical feminist issue? I am thinking about changing my name, and I never realised that there was still such a heated debate about this.[Poll #1413059][Poll #1413059]

I tried to find articles on the matter, and pretty much all sources I've found and read after a lazy Google search make it a front-line issue of modern-day extremist feminism to be attached to your own family name. This should probably teach me to be more careful about my sources, but the degree of conviction that women should change their names confounded me.

The articles I found stress that while most women don't even think about it, there are "some" for whom it is a "struggle" and that "more and more women" are keeping their name (and that's still only 10% in the US, apparently, not sure here about the numbers in the EU and Germany). On the whole, it seems to be an option that only the self-and/or career obsessed consider, or those who want to Make A Point. The writers (fair enough, we're talking writers on US "women's sites" dealing with marriage here, what did I expect?) make excuses and long explanations for those women with the quirky desire to hold on to their name ("They are very invested in their career", "they are uncertain about the wedding", "their husband's name doesn't go with their first name").

They also paint those husbands who change or even hyphenate their names and their fates in a very negative light ("that would be as oppressive to him as it would be to you to change your name! Would you want that?" - "He would be ridiculed by his peers!" - "His family line might be lost!" - "People would get confused!" - "It would mean that he's a feminist-brainwashed weakling!" - "It would be difficult for him to introduce you!" - "Think of the children!" - "He would think you are more attached to your father than to your husband!").

The consensus is that keeping your maiden name is bad, selfish and confusing, changing your name is the desirable default because of family lines and social acceptance. The rationalising strategies these people use to explain why 90% of women change their names are stellar, too. It's all their own, free choice, they don't mind their new identity, names don't matter, anyway, they want to belong to their husband's family, they want to fit in, it's more convenient for the insurance company/strangers/the family/children/the dog, they want to give up their ugly maiden name. Since everybody is equal now, there is no point in not making the convenient, traditionally and socially accepted choice. You have the freedom to choose between a right and a wrong option, apparently, and it's interesting that 90% of couples make the same free choice.

Some of the articles I found: 
Maiden Names (have an excerpt - caution, rage warning: "When a woman feels metaphysically submissive to a man, when she admires all the masculine qualities he exhibits and deems him worthy of submitting to, sexually speaking, she will gladly become "his" and take his name. This is the essence of femininity."- I'm glad she embraces the submissive aspect of this gesture so readily and doesn't deny it like the other pages, at least.)
Married or Maiden Name - Behind the Last Name Change
Should I keep my maiden name?
The Pros and Cons of Keeping Your Maiden Name
The Reasons Why Women Keep Their Maiden Name

Comments

[firenightingale.livejournal.com]

I kept my own name and added a 'Mrs' in front of it. I did think about possibly changing it to take Paul's but the thing is, I've been me for 36 years and I am quite comfortable with that. I feel that a name shapes who you are and I didn't really feel like being someone else.

I also worried that changing my name might somehow jinx the relationship. Especially as I want to write. Imagine if I changed to Paul's surname and got published and then something happened and we wound up splitting up. Everything I'd worked for, the brand recognition of my name would be in his name and I'd have to keep it so that people would buy my books. Of course, I could change my name and publish in my maiden name but that would seem silly given that we'll hopefully grow old together and people would know me as one name while professionally I'd have another.

These days it's much more common to keep your own name, though people still assume you're going to change it. I'm quite happy to be known by both personally but officially I'm still me (and saying it like that shows how tied up my name is to my identity!) Not having to change my passport was another huge factor!

I haven't ruled out changing it in the future

[bronnyelsp.livejournal.com]

That first article has made me so stabby I can't even go on to the others. RAGE.

[bronnyelsp.livejournal.com]

Out of curiosity, has Paul expressed any opinion?

[utter-pirate.livejournal.com]

You'd think we had moved on from the days when marriage involved the woman (and all her possessions) becoming the property of the man, but evidently not...

It's always been my firm intention to keep my name, either as part of a double-barrelled name or on its own. Now, though, I could get a British surname, which might come in handy....

I once had a straw poll among my British friends about whether I should change my name to 'Brown' if I ever became a British citizen. They all said 'No' because it is 'not authentic' and because it's important to remember your origins. Hmm.

[bronnyelsp.livejournal.com]

Whatever your surname is, it IS a British name unless there are no British citizens who share it.

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

I can understand those reasons very well. I doubt that I'll ever split up with Crocky, but who knows? And then, I'd have a name that is not mine. I was never going to change it, either, but the thought of children makes this more complicated - it's going to be hard as it is, and different names probably will make it harder.

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

I probably shouldn't have put it first, as I just included it for its sheer WTFiness. The other ones are far more moderate in their reasoning and far less rage-inducing, I promise!

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

Oh, but it's all a thing of free choices! You know, if it really, really was, if there were people who made educated and informed consensual choices to show submission in this way, I wouldn't mind so much, but it annoys me that this is described as such an unreflected default.

Changing names- I can see the attraction of that. I wish it was easier to change your mind and have your old name back once you changed it. I'm thinking about taking Crocky's name or double-barrelling because we want children at some point and it's going to be a bureaucratic nightmare as it is, no need to make it more difficult with different names.

And the origins which need to be preserved - hm. I'd be inclined to agree if this was about family origins, but if it's a cultural thing - I don't think I'd care. I was never very invested in my German identity, and there's the question of what a surname really says about the origins of a person.

[firenightingale.livejournal.com]

He said he was happy with whatever I decided either way and that it was my decision.

[firenightingale.livejournal.com]

Well, my mother had a different surname to us from when I was eight and it was never a problem for us. I had to explain once I think to someone at school that she had a different surname and that was it.

When we (hopefully) have kids they will take Paul's name (again, my decision - or ours, as Paul is happy with it!) because, well I'm not really sure why but that seems kind of right to me. Possibly because of that old thing of it being obvious who the mother is because she gives birth to them & thus, giving them his surname gives him an important role too (of course, he will have a part in creating them as well, just not as active at the final stages!)

It wouldn't bother me that they had his surname if we broke up after they were born because he would have been a part of their creation and their identity.

I sometimes toy with the idea of making my surname a middle name for them but it would depend on other names chosen.

I plan to travel with a photocopy of their birth certificate in case I come across any beurocracy. Or adoption certificate if we ever adopt.

[firenightingale.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, if my sister marries her boyfriend she has told him that he has to change his surname - not to her surname but to what his used to be be around his grandparents' time, because she thinks it sounds posher & then she is going to double-barrel it with her own (to sound posher still). That however is a whole different kettle of fish!

[dstroyrofworlds.livejournal.com]

Oh well, I am being egoistical here. I love my surname and would want to keep it. If I ever married the guy I am with now, I'd want his name, too, because it's the name of an old, noble line. Would be cool to have such a name if I become a lawyer one day.
I don't take this topic all too seriously. I'd want a mixture of both names and that would probably the longest surname I have ever seen and a nightmare to write out. And I find that funny.

Some of my friends, a married couple, both have his name now. She decided that she wanted to have his name because she is usually seen as the stronger and more bold one and didn't want the people to get the impression of him being henpecked. It was a sign of commitment and balance, which is an idea that I found good since they decided together on the criterion of what would be the best for them as a couple.

[bronnyelsp.livejournal.com]

I didn't really need to ask. ;)

[bronnyelsp.livejournal.com]

Oh, your sister makes me laugh!

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's a good reason! I didn't realise that people still actively cared about the poshness of a name. Huh.

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe I overestimate the difficulty, but I have the feeling that making it as easy as possible for them to fit the idea of our family into the idea of "family", the better. I don't want our children to doubt that they have two parents, and I don't want anyone to tell my adopted children that they are not "really" my children, because they will be, and different names would probably give people ideas.

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

Double-barrelling is the thing I'm probably going to go with, if I don't take Crocky's name. It's the solution that strikes me as best for prospective children and my view on my name and my marriage.

As for your friend's decision - I like that they had a discussion, and whatever anyone decides is fine by me, but I do wonder about the reason for it. o.O How does taking someone's name defy other people's random opinion on her being the "stronger" one?

[firenightingale.livejournal.com]

It's how you feel about it that matters. Kids pick up on areas that parents are nervous about and become nervous in turn. If you would feel uncomfortable with different names then a name change is probably right for you. If you felt fine about having different ones then that would be. :o)

[fourthage.livejournal.com]

I want to keep my name and have my husband take it. While my surname is extremely common, my brother and I are it for keeping it alive as a last name for my family. Which means I'd want any children to have my surname as well. I do think that both partners having the same last name is way to indicate that you are a family unit. I'd be willing to compromise on a double-barrelled last name for the kids, but my surname would be last (since that's one people tend to assume is the "real" one).

Yes, I have put a lot of thought into this.

[luckyoldsun.livejournal.com]

First off, I'd defer to my partner if they cared about it, within reason. If they didn't, I'd demonstrate a preference for keeping my own last name and having our prospective children take that last family name as well.

I speak from some indirect experience. When my sister was first married, her husband, a fervent convert to Islam, wanted her to change her official name to include a symbolic additional middle name. My first nephew has had his last name changed more than once and it appears differently on different documents. His father is out of the picture, and yet his family name (and an Islam-influenced alternative name) will pop up all over the place and it just reopens old wounds when it does. My sister remarried and had 2 more children who, per the desire of husband #2, share his last name while my first nephew has never been fully accepted by husband #2. So, nephew #1 goes by her (and my) last name, which, I think, is comforting to him, because he is one of a group sharing a common name, and they love him. There's solidarity there and security.

Last year he did a "family tree" project... was a very hard thing for him to do, I think.

For my prospective children, whatever the name happens to be, I'd want it to be one that endures and links them to those who love them. I think the simpler it is, the better, and it ought not to depend so much on the status of the relationship their parents.

Hopefully that makes some sense.

[mothwing.livejournal.com]

Lots of thought is good. :)

It's similar with me and my brother - my parents are the only ones left with our family name, we're the ones who're it to pass it on. I feel much more attached to my mother's side of the family, though, but she gave up her name when she married, so that name as a family name is out of the question. I think my brother's very much attached to our last name, though, so he'll probably keep it.