Panic

Another day which began with an anxiety attack just before dawn which lasted about an hour and I am again on verge of becoming a teacher. The thing is... I think I would rather like the job. Although I never wanted to become a teacher because I always saw our school as the cemetary of lost dreams, hopes and futures.

I am afraid that I am only thinking of that because of that strange attack thing, the whole show with racing heard and sweat. But... teaching means I will be able to do what I love. Working with literature and telling people what I know. But then... I fear I am only doing this because I am panicking. Because even ONE perspective is better than zero perspectives and permanent joblessness, the thing I am maybe facing now. And teaching... it has so many advantages.
The thing is... who knows me knows that I am as dominant as a mouse. And about as loud. And about as authoritative. Sigh. And German and English is a combination just everyone teaches... Ah, well. At least I know my stuff.

Ah, well. But apart from absolute hopelessness and occasional panic attacks life is wonderful and full of complex ideas and concepts. Full of brilliant people at the university, brilliant teachers, brilliant ideas we read about. Lakoff's Metaphor and war: The metaphor system used to justify the war in the gulf - if you get your hands on it, read it. Brilliant stuff. The most impressive linguistic text I have read in years.

Apart from that... It is cold, wet, the university sucks apart from these wonderful courses, people are breaking down in flocks around me, I am having weird dreams and panic attacks far too easily... but I am happy. I really am. Life is wonderful at the moment and I am in love and... Sometimes I feel that this sudden attacks of utter bliss are more alarming than the feeling of not wanting to exist at all.

Night all!