Between two fires
Friday, November 17th, 2006 12:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mothwing'Against better knowledge', as they say, I'm going to spend the weekend in Hanover. Even though I am still ill, even though I need to catch up with loads of things, even though I could do with a weekend to plan papers and all that. Even though I could do with some time for myself, for that matter.
I know that if I had made the decision not to go, I would have been sitting in my room most of the weekend, missing her insanely, not getting anything done . I would have been sitting around, thinking about her, unconsciously waiting for her to call, not able to concentrate on anything, like some zombie. I miss her, I need her, my heroine. Pathetically, the thought of not seeing her is unthinkable at the moment. But on the other hand, I've longed for having some time for myself once again. But I have to bear in mind that in December, we nearly won't see us at all, hence I think have to use the opportunity. Sigh. All this is so silly. How is this supposed to go on?
What will happen when I have finished my degree? I'll be looking for a job, and what could be better than looking for a job in the city in which she is studying at that point? We could share a flat again, and I'd be with her. But I planned to do assistant teaching in Britain if possible and sensible, and none of us wants to stay in that blasted city, so it would be foolish to start something in Hanover, only to abandon it when Crocky has finished her degree. But going abroad? Without her? Seeing her even less often? An even greater distance between the two of us? Again, it's unthinkable.
I've always thought that my life and my future would be determined solely by what I would like to do, and would not largely depend on what someone else has planned for their future in my head. I know, and good sense tells me that in spite of all fluffy feelings it is more sensible to choose what is best for me in the long run, going abroad, looking for a job where I want to be. And yet, I am only ever happy when I am with her. I end up feeling miserable the whole time when we're not together. I hardly recognise myself, I never thought I'd have such ridiculous notions. It seems unthinkable to make a decision that'd mean an even greater distance between the two of us. Like going abroad again. And yet, how can I not go abroad, should I have the opportunity? And yet, how can I?
It is so silly. I have become a side-kick.
I'd like to be the main character in my own life once more.
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I know that if I had made the decision not to go, I would have been sitting in my room most of the weekend, missing her insanely, not getting anything done . I would have been sitting around, thinking about her, unconsciously waiting for her to call, not able to concentrate on anything, like some zombie. I miss her, I need her, my heroine. Pathetically, the thought of not seeing her is unthinkable at the moment. But on the other hand, I've longed for having some time for myself once again. But I have to bear in mind that in December, we nearly won't see us at all, hence I think have to use the opportunity. Sigh. All this is so silly. How is this supposed to go on?
What will happen when I have finished my degree? I'll be looking for a job, and what could be better than looking for a job in the city in which she is studying at that point? We could share a flat again, and I'd be with her. But I planned to do assistant teaching in Britain if possible and sensible, and none of us wants to stay in that blasted city, so it would be foolish to start something in Hanover, only to abandon it when Crocky has finished her degree. But going abroad? Without her? Seeing her even less often? An even greater distance between the two of us? Again, it's unthinkable.
I've always thought that my life and my future would be determined solely by what I would like to do, and would not largely depend on what someone else has planned for their future in my head. I know, and good sense tells me that in spite of all fluffy feelings it is more sensible to choose what is best for me in the long run, going abroad, looking for a job where I want to be. And yet, I am only ever happy when I am with her. I end up feeling miserable the whole time when we're not together. I hardly recognise myself, I never thought I'd have such ridiculous notions. It seems unthinkable to make a decision that'd mean an even greater distance between the two of us. Like going abroad again. And yet, how can I not go abroad, should I have the opportunity? And yet, how can I?
It is so silly. I have become a side-kick.
I'd like to be the main character in my own life once more.
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -
Almost, at times, the Fool.
